*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
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Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Tastes like chicken.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Worst perfume name ever.
Eat…
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys