@leshnevsky

– Michelle, we must break up…
– Oh, I’ll kill myself!
– That’s a nice bonus. Thank you!

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@Schmoodles

I wish I was an American so that I had the right to bear arms. I’d probably go for panda bear arms because awwwww, so cute.

@lovemydogduck

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

@mommajessiec

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@slimmy_shady

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

@inanimatecorpse

Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?

Me: Say the words

Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife

@kibblesmith

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

@_Tempo11

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

@PetrickSara

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.