Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

You know I’m something of a chef myself