MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad