Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.