MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Sharon I have some bad news
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.