Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.