Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

#winning

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.