Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
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I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
the world’s most popular steaming services
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.