Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

Does beer think about me too?

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…