Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

WTF IS THAT!

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

Rambo Rambow

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free