Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
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I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES