Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
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Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.