Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
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The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Jogging
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
bags with threatening auras
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.