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So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.