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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
🤔😂😂
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
A French press is when you hug naked
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.