Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
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It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
These are too funny not to post 😂
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.