Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.