Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
You Might Also Like
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Creative Problem Solving
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”