Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

By Kate Hatos

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.