Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
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I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.