Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.