Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?