Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.