Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.