Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

Always 🥴

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

That 👊

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.