Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Breaking news:

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.