Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
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British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end