Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR