Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
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Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Confused owl: What?!
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.