Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators