Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
“The Perfect Relationship”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*