Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.