Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
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God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?