microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
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[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: