Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

fly smarter, not harder

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.