“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
grotesque if literal: baby food
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
How it started How it’s going
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
THIS HEADLINE
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.