“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”