Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.