microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
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Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.