microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
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be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Banana is the quietest snack
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
Tier 3 meme
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.