Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
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Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*