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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

Guilty! 🤪

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you