Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

A drum solo but on your face.

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back