Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
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Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.