Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

Me irl

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.