[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
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what?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you