Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.