Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
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“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.