Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
😂🤣😂🤣
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”