Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
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Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
