Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.