Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Selfie
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I have so many questions.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.