microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
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I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Florida man
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There is no “ea” in Tim.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
be careful
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My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.