Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

the clam before the storm

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Them: Just act casual
Me:

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

What.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us