“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
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ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Europe. Made in Germany.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.