“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
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My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
