Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

Introverted vegans go meetless

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.