Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔