Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
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peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.