Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
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My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing