Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

the red hot silly peppers

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

[loses house key, starts a new life]

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.