Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
lol
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Good morning, Twitter x
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”