Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
