Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH