Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
You Might Also Like
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
