microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
The glory of fall.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.