Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*