microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.