Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This checks out

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.