Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

This classic never gets old . . .

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …