Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Make me look younger
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot