Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”