Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
airing out the snack pack
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
reminder
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.