Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I love texting my boyfriend
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
