Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

😂🐾

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”