Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.