microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
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My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
where’s Godzilla when we need him
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.