Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

is this a threat

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

🤣🤣🤣

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

Wooden pews are designed to maximize the shame of farting in church.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl