Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.