Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

Lol.

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while