Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
This week’s mood.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.