Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
asked my bf how work was today
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair